Day 85: Letting go ... or ... a lesson in control
I think the past couple of months, and especially the past couple of weeks, the Universe has really been focusing my challenges on my issues of control. I like having control. I prefer being in situations where it feels like I am in control. I realized this about myself years ago, so luckily, I've had time to ponder this and work hard to adjust where necessary in order to strike a good balance.
I've realized two major things over the years and, like pretty much everything, I tend to forget them and then rediscover them.
One is that the more I let go and stop trying to control, the more okay I am with life in general. This doesn't come easy for me, so I have to consciously work towards a consistent state of "surrender" to all that I naturally don't have control over. Basically everything outside of myself. Yeah... that can be difficult sometimes.
The other realization I've had is that my lifelong partner will need to be someone who doesn't share this same challenge. For whatever reason, I seem to have had relationships only with people who also have issues with control. Naturally, no matter how great everything else can be, there will be some big problems when you have two people who want to control.
I like to consider myself pretty self-aware. I know that part of me is very passionate, intense, emotional and a leader. The need for control has developed, most likely because, I had to be a responsible grown up at a very young age. It felt as though life was spinning out of control around me and I needed to compensate for that chaos by getting a strong handle on what I could and taking care of who I needed to take care of. At this point, I've realized I've overcompensated in that area and it's now time to let go and relax my grip and fall back into the natural flow of life.
But in addition to the strong, passionate nature of my personality, I am also very spiritual, thoughtful and peaceful. I feel like I'm at my best when I'm calm and meditative. I'm drawn to people and situations that allow for tranquility.
I'm a Libra so balance is everything to me. There are pros and cons to both sides of my personality. It's good that I can be strong and tough - that way I get things done, make progress in my life and I'm very protective of those I love. Obviously the downside is that if I'm not careful, I can be stubborn and inflexible and I get stressed if things go in a direction that I really, really don't agree with.
The good thing about being spiritual and peaceful is that I am very personable and caring. I like to help others. I'm very empathetic and I like to feel as though I'm making a difference in others' lives. I'm a dreamer and think in very big terms - I want to change the world. The downside to this is I don't always follow through and many times I've been taken advantage of and I've had to learn how to protect myself (personally, professionally and financially).
I suspect my "soul mate" will be someone who is more of a calm, peaceful, "go-with-the-flow" kind of guy rather than an intense, outgoing, control-freak. I'm well aware that I'm enough of a control-freak for two people. If I'm around someone who brings out the calmer side of me, then I think together we would complement each other quite nicely. I've already been with guys who are just like me in the passionate and outgoing sense ... and clearly that hasn't worked out. I'm ready to try someone who's like me in the other sense and see where that goes.
I've realized two major things over the years and, like pretty much everything, I tend to forget them and then rediscover them.
One is that the more I let go and stop trying to control, the more okay I am with life in general. This doesn't come easy for me, so I have to consciously work towards a consistent state of "surrender" to all that I naturally don't have control over. Basically everything outside of myself. Yeah... that can be difficult sometimes.
The other realization I've had is that my lifelong partner will need to be someone who doesn't share this same challenge. For whatever reason, I seem to have had relationships only with people who also have issues with control. Naturally, no matter how great everything else can be, there will be some big problems when you have two people who want to control.
I like to consider myself pretty self-aware. I know that part of me is very passionate, intense, emotional and a leader. The need for control has developed, most likely because, I had to be a responsible grown up at a very young age. It felt as though life was spinning out of control around me and I needed to compensate for that chaos by getting a strong handle on what I could and taking care of who I needed to take care of. At this point, I've realized I've overcompensated in that area and it's now time to let go and relax my grip and fall back into the natural flow of life.
But in addition to the strong, passionate nature of my personality, I am also very spiritual, thoughtful and peaceful. I feel like I'm at my best when I'm calm and meditative. I'm drawn to people and situations that allow for tranquility.
I'm a Libra so balance is everything to me. There are pros and cons to both sides of my personality. It's good that I can be strong and tough - that way I get things done, make progress in my life and I'm very protective of those I love. Obviously the downside is that if I'm not careful, I can be stubborn and inflexible and I get stressed if things go in a direction that I really, really don't agree with.
The good thing about being spiritual and peaceful is that I am very personable and caring. I like to help others. I'm very empathetic and I like to feel as though I'm making a difference in others' lives. I'm a dreamer and think in very big terms - I want to change the world. The downside to this is I don't always follow through and many times I've been taken advantage of and I've had to learn how to protect myself (personally, professionally and financially).
I suspect my "soul mate" will be someone who is more of a calm, peaceful, "go-with-the-flow" kind of guy rather than an intense, outgoing, control-freak. I'm well aware that I'm enough of a control-freak for two people. If I'm around someone who brings out the calmer side of me, then I think together we would complement each other quite nicely. I've already been with guys who are just like me in the passionate and outgoing sense ... and clearly that hasn't worked out. I'm ready to try someone who's like me in the other sense and see where that goes.
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