Welcome Time
I just had my first moment of sincere gratitude for the time the Universe has given me before moving to the next phase of my life. It's been a year now since Mauricio and I broke up. It's been about 3 months since I was supposed to meet my "soul mate," according to a psychic.
Before I started dating Mauricio, I decided to take a year to be single. I made the decision because I realized I needed to hit the "reset" button and go through an inner cleanse before I got into any other relationships. I needed to focus on myself and my kid, my school work, my job, my house and other areas of my life that deserved my full attention.
The first few months of this year-long period were especially difficult. I was depressed, lonely, lethargic and aimless. I didn't do much of anything except wish things were different. I felt like my life was on hold until certain things happened.
The next phase was me slowly feeling better about life, understanding why things happened the way they did, and beginning to tell myself I was happy and I was okay with being single. Of course deep down, I didn't really believe it... but I was trying to.
After more time passed, I actually started believing it and living it. I found this wonderful sense of embracing my independence and taking full control of my life. I was living in a truly happy way, making the most of everything I could. I found my groove and I was at peace. I was enjoying school, my job, my time with Cambria. I pleasantly kept my home clean, I tried making new things for dinner, I laughed and sang and danced with Cambria. I was at the top of my game and never felt happier.
At this point, I actually preferred to stay single.
Apparently, that's all the Universe needed in order to determine the time was now right to send Mauricio my way.
So here I am. Single again, lonely again. Stuck with my life on hold. Waiting...
Of course I know I should embrace this time and be happy now and not wait for things to change. But I also know that it's okay to just keep telling myself that. It's part of the process.
But today was different. Today I had a glimmer of real, deep feelings of appreciation for this time that I have. I'm starting to understand why I didn't meet my "soul mate" when the psychic said I would. All of a sudden, I had something I was waiting for - something I knew would make me happy. As soon as I started waiting, and stopped living, the Universe gladly stepped in: "HA! She thinks she's so smart. Let's move some pieces around and give her an opportunity to really wise up again."
I wonder if that psychic didn't tell me about my near-future "soul mate" if I would have actually met him and be in a completely different place now. I still think I would have needed to figure some of the same things out first, but maybe I would have focused more on that than waiting and keeping my eyes out for him.
Anyway, I can feel myself in that transitory period between lying to myself that I'm okay being single and it's all for the better, and actually believing it's okay and all for the better. Not quite 100% there yet, but I'm happy to start feeling it as truth.
I'm re-reading the Story of B and something that really stood out to me was the idea that things change when it's the "right time." No matter how hard we try to change in a big way (in the book it's referring to changing our culture's vision), we can't really change it until it's the right time. But when it is the right time, it will be almost effortless - an unstoppable force of change.
So my goal for right now is to do the things I know I need to do. And in doing so, everything that will happen, will happen in the right time.
Before I started dating Mauricio, I decided to take a year to be single. I made the decision because I realized I needed to hit the "reset" button and go through an inner cleanse before I got into any other relationships. I needed to focus on myself and my kid, my school work, my job, my house and other areas of my life that deserved my full attention.
The first few months of this year-long period were especially difficult. I was depressed, lonely, lethargic and aimless. I didn't do much of anything except wish things were different. I felt like my life was on hold until certain things happened.
The next phase was me slowly feeling better about life, understanding why things happened the way they did, and beginning to tell myself I was happy and I was okay with being single. Of course deep down, I didn't really believe it... but I was trying to.
After more time passed, I actually started believing it and living it. I found this wonderful sense of embracing my independence and taking full control of my life. I was living in a truly happy way, making the most of everything I could. I found my groove and I was at peace. I was enjoying school, my job, my time with Cambria. I pleasantly kept my home clean, I tried making new things for dinner, I laughed and sang and danced with Cambria. I was at the top of my game and never felt happier.
At this point, I actually preferred to stay single.
Apparently, that's all the Universe needed in order to determine the time was now right to send Mauricio my way.
So here I am. Single again, lonely again. Stuck with my life on hold. Waiting...
Of course I know I should embrace this time and be happy now and not wait for things to change. But I also know that it's okay to just keep telling myself that. It's part of the process.
But today was different. Today I had a glimmer of real, deep feelings of appreciation for this time that I have. I'm starting to understand why I didn't meet my "soul mate" when the psychic said I would. All of a sudden, I had something I was waiting for - something I knew would make me happy. As soon as I started waiting, and stopped living, the Universe gladly stepped in: "HA! She thinks she's so smart. Let's move some pieces around and give her an opportunity to really wise up again."
I wonder if that psychic didn't tell me about my near-future "soul mate" if I would have actually met him and be in a completely different place now. I still think I would have needed to figure some of the same things out first, but maybe I would have focused more on that than waiting and keeping my eyes out for him.
Anyway, I can feel myself in that transitory period between lying to myself that I'm okay being single and it's all for the better, and actually believing it's okay and all for the better. Not quite 100% there yet, but I'm happy to start feeling it as truth.
I'm re-reading the Story of B and something that really stood out to me was the idea that things change when it's the "right time." No matter how hard we try to change in a big way (in the book it's referring to changing our culture's vision), we can't really change it until it's the right time. But when it is the right time, it will be almost effortless - an unstoppable force of change.
So my goal for right now is to do the things I know I need to do. And in doing so, everything that will happen, will happen in the right time.
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