Day 76: A Little Bit of Enlightenment

Enlightenment is a very interesting concept. I'm not sure that it can ever be "obtained," because to me, that means you get it and you keep it. But the way I've experienced it is that I'll either have glimpses of it, or I feel like I've "arrived" at it and can live in that state for a certain amount of time. But life is ever changing, and inevitably I've found myself in a new place where I'm not feeling so enlightened anymore. It's like the drama of the world finds its way back to you and again, you need to seek out a state in which you can live in peace and harmony amongst the drama. 

Because of this understanding, I've always loved the Yin-Yang symbol, representing the ancient Chinese understanding of the interchanging way of life. "The outer circle represents 'everything', while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called 'yin' (black) and 'yang' (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.

While 'yin' would be dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting, and weak, 'yang' would be bright, active, upward, hot, expanding, and strong. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold." (http://fly.cc.fer.hr/~shlede/ying/yang.html)

Anyway, I feel like if my experience of enlightenment was yang and everything else was yin, I would currently be "yin." In other words, I'm not feeling enlightened right now. In fact, I'm not even feeling generally "good" right now. It may be because I've gotten off of the Cymbalta and I'm having noticeable withdrawals, which include irritability and depression. But I'm not okay with just staying in this state of being. I'm not okay with living my life like this. Because frankly, it sucks. While I'm not exactly sure how to get out of it, at least I'm aware of it and my history with this type of thing makes me know that's a good sign.

Even though I don't feel very enlightened in general, and certainly don't feel very "on top of the world," I do feel like I've had a small glimpse of realization that has felt very freeing. 

I know now, that Mauricio and I were truly not meant to be. It's been pretty amazing coming to this realization. And since he was the one to make the decision initially, I had to go on this journey of first feeling like I didn't understand, then feeling like I didn't agree, then feeling hurt and betrayed, then feeling a little relieved to be out of that complex relationship, then feeling like maybe there's someone better, and finally arriving at the place where I completely agree that we shouldn't be together. And for a lot of reasons. 

But the important thing is not that I've realized we don't belong together. What's more important is that I now know who I really want to be with -- who I would be good with. It's a pretty incredible feeling. And at first I felt a little intimidated. I felt like maybe my expectations for this person were unrealistic and I may never find him. But now I realize that it's so much simpler than I thought. The best way for me to articulate it, is that I need to be in a relationship that resembles Yin-Yang. 

One element of my relationship with Mauricio that worked so well was that we were very, very similar. So in most cases, our interests, our passions, our spiritual beliefs all lined up perfectly. It was insanely perfect. People around us couldn't believe how well we matched up in those areas. So having some of that in my next relationship would be one ingredient of success.

But the very fact that we were so similar was also an element of our relationship that made it almost impossible to work together. There was no balance. There was no give and take. And what was so incredibly frustrating to me about this was the fact that he either couldn't see that, or he refused to admit it. He was very good at looking outward and finding things wrong with everyone else. But he wasn't so good at looking at himself and owning up to who he was - good or bad - and accepting it. And honestly, maybe I'm not so good at that either. Which is why we would often get into situations where we were just stuck in one place, unable to move forward. 

One of the things I do know about myself though, is that if I feel like I'm in a comfortable and safe environment, where no one is attacking me, it's a lot easier for me to identify and own my own problems. But I've also been taken advantage of a lot in my life and I've had to become independent and assertive. No one else fights for me, so I've had to do it myself. If I'm feeling backed into a corner, my natural instinct is to bring up my defenses. Protect myself. 

I know I am a good person. And I know I have a lot to offer someone else. I am a very loving, caring, loyal and hardworking person. I am dedicated, passionate and selfless. I need someone who sees the good in me and accepts the bad. I need someone who can appreciate me and take care of me. I need someone who respects me and listens to me. I need someone who is thoughtful and strives to do more than the bare minimum. Because that's how I am. And if I can be with another person who also goes above and beyond, then it would seem that we'd be in a good place most of the time. 

It's a good feeling to know what you want. I'm excited about the next phase of my life and what the Universe has in store for me. I trust in the Universe. And I'm working on getting myself in order so that I'm ready for whoever comes into my life next.