Day 77: "The Talk" - Yep, That One

Well ... it finally happened. The dreaded talk. The one every parent cringes when thinking of, or breaks a sweat when anticipating. Except this talk was also coupled with the other "Talk" that any single parent faces when their child asks about their biological father. So double whammy. 

I have to admit, I'm relieved that it's over. And I'd like to think that it went well. Not perfect, but I don't think perfect is possible in scenarios like this. Luckily I had recently listened to this hilarious, and very helpful, This American Life episode about kids experiencing the embarrassing talk with their parents: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/341/how-to-talk-to-kids?act=2.

So here's what happened. 

Last Thursday I took Cambria to Lakeside Amusement Park to make up for the fact that we couldn't get on a plane (flying standby) to Washington as we had hoped for our vacation. We spent hours there. I endured roller coasters and rocking, caged Ferris wheels, motion sickness and her new friend's single Dad hitting on me. It was nearly 11pm. I was tired and ready to go home.

As we're driving home, Cambria starts asking me questions about why me and Mauricio weren't right for each other. I awkwardly and responsibly kept my answers high level and vague, letting her know that we were both good people and we loved each other, but didn't quite fit together. And that I felt there could be someone else out there who would be a better fit. 

As we pull up to the driveway, she starts tearing up and says, "I just want to meet my biological father." 

Then proceeds to tell me that she feels there's more to the story than I've told her. That she thinks we were together and wanted a baby but... That's where I stopped her.

I told her there is more to the story and asked if she would like me to tell her. I had hoped she'd say, "Nah, I'm good. Let's go to bed, I'm sleepy. Love you, you're the best!" ... Or something like that.

But of course she said yes. 

I gently explained to her that we never dated. That we were really good friends and I didn't like him more than a friend. But he liked me and in his head, he really had wanted it to be true that I liked him more too. I told her that I imagined he got confused and then he made a mistake. I stopped there and reminded her that there aren't bad people, there are people who make bad choices. He was not a bad person, but he did make a bad choice. 

Then I realized that the next part involved sex. And we had not officially had the "Sex Talk". So I asked her if she knew what sex was. She said she wasn't sure, but she thought she saw it on TV. I asked her to tell me what she thought it was. Then she adorably went into a play-by-play sequence (which obviously came out of a movie) about two people in bed, the girl gets on top of the guy and starts kissing his neck, and then ... they put their tongues in each other's mouths and that's how the "seeds" get into the girl and can make a baby. That's sex, she concluded.

I smiled. 

Okay, so that's close, but not quite it. Then, and I'll spare you the awkward details, I began to explain sex to my 9 year old. But not before laughing at myself for a minute. I explained to her that this was uncomfortable and for a kid, it's going to sound really gross. But when you grow up and find someone you really care about, it's a very special and natural thing. 

So I told her, point blank, about the biology of sex. And the look on her face was priceless. She was utterly disgusted. 

Of course this talk couldn't be "Jennie-fied" without throwing in the whole "All animals and everything that makes babies does this too." I don't know why I always reference animals having sex when I talk about this to my kid. 

So with THAT talk out of the way, I continued on the terrifying path of the OTHER talk we had started with.

Now I want to say that the decision to tell Cambria the truth about how I got pregnant has always been an extremely heavy one for me. I've debated it over the years, unsure of what to say. For a long time I was set on never telling her the truth out of fear that she'd feel like she was a mistake or came from a horrible event. But when I had talked with others about this, people reminded me that it wasn't my mistake. That I actually was living a good life, and maintaining high morals and values was important to me. It wasn't fair for me to paint a picture of myself to my daughter that was irresponsible and careless, when that wasn't the case at all. Plus, I wanted her to understand that sex is a sacred and respected thing (despite what the media portrays it to be) and she should be thoughtful when it comes time for her to consider it. 

After stumbling through the sex talk, I let her know that Zach's mistake was that he had sex with me when I was asleep. I reminded her that this was a bad choice that he made and I let her know that he felt terrible for doing it. But I also told her that I learned from that experience too and I should have made different choices. I explained how important it is to speak up and be clear with people about your thoughts and feelings. And that I shouldn't have put myself in such a trusting position. Still, it wasn't okay that he did that. But again, he wasn't a bad person, he made a really bad choice.

Then she continued to surprise me by asking if I had thought about giving her up for adoption.

Where is she getting this stuff??

I told her that when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I was scared because I was young and I wanted to make sure I did what was best for this baby. So I thought about all the options that would give her the absolute best life possible. And I told her I prayed. A lot. And one day, I got my answer. I knew in my heart that I couldn't trust anyone else in the world to raise her the best way and that I was meant to be her mommy. She is meant to do incredible things in this world and it's my job to teach her right from wrong and how to grow up and live a great life.

I then had to explain that even though I was always meant to be her mommy, Zach wasn't necessarily meant to be her Daddy. His contribution to her life was in helping me make it. So if she wanted to meet him, she could. And he could be our friend and we could see what happens. But that she needed to trust me, and that I was going to do what was best for her. And that Zach wanted to do what was best for her too. 

So that's the story. Of course there were many more details and the conversation lasted almost 45 minutes sitting in the car in the middle of the night.... But all in all, I think it went as good as it could have. 

She hasn't brought any of it up since then. Although she did ask if we could watch "Look Who's Talking". They do, after all, show the sperm racing to the egg... yada yada yada.

I feel like I just completed a marathon. One that I'd been preparing for for 9 years. I feel good. A little shaky, but good.  I've got one special kid.