Day 78: Feeling lonely...but keeping hope
Wow, it's been a pretty crazy week. An intense roller coaster of emotions. I've gone back and forth between feeling scared, unprepared, incapable, unworthy, empowered, relieved, strong, settled, confident, at peace.
I've reflected on how surprisingly forgiving the last 6 months have been as I've separated my life from the family I was working so hard to build for the last 4 years. Not to say it's been easy, but the nature of the journey has been a very natural and almost gentle progression of feeling more at ease with this new life.
Mauricio and I remained friends and, as we always have, really took things day by day. We continued to hang out as we felt comfortable and quite naturally we seemed to hang out less and less. All the while, I became more and more okay with the fact we were no longer together. Accepting reality and in fact, making it my own. Deciding that it was better that we weren't together. That I had an even better thing ahead of me and soon enough, I'd look back like I always do and see the whole picture as all the puzzle pieces finally fit together.
I marveled at how simple and smooth my transition has been into this new life. I felt like once I got over the initial rough patch, I was smooth sailing. I even appreciated hanging out with Mauricio, as it gave me more closure and a feeling of understanding as we closed the door to our relationship.
I should have been suspect though, as things are never that easy.
As I was feeling really good about everything and the pain and desire to be around Mauricio grew less, he called me. August 1st actually, which I found a little ironic considering the psychic said I would meet my soul mate sometime in August or September. Something about August 1st felt almost a little magical, like, the time for incredible change has begun.
Anyway, since the last week was so incredibly exhausting and I didn't really have anyone to fill in on all the details, when he offered to bring by some wine and sit on my porch and just talk, it sounded quite nice.
So he came over and I updated him on all the significant changes that were in the midst of happening. Then we watched a horrible chick flick and said good-bye.
A couple days later he asked if he could stop by with the girls. We ended up taking the dogs for a walk and then getting some pizza and dinner for the kids. And of course, wine for us. While we were talking he mentioned he had read some of my text messages and knew about a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend who was all of a sudden very interested in seeing me.
Wait, did he say he read my text messages?
Honestly, I was a little surprised. I didn't mind that much, I just thought it was interesting that he would do that. I hadn't done that with him. Although I'll admit, I've been tempted.
A couple glasses of wine later I went into the kitchen and saw his phone. I thought, "Hmm I wonder what he's been up to...".
Big mistake.
If I could go back in time and erase what I saw, I would do it in a heartbeat.
It's a strange thing, what happens to you emotionally when you realize someone close to you has moved on. But not so much "moved on" then "sleeping with other people", which I consider to be a little different.
Obviously I had a million things racing through my head, coupled with some intense feelings of emotion that I hadn't felt in months. Deep, deep sadness and for the first time, utter disgust.
How could he do this? He ended our relationship, our family, our future, because he said he needed to focus on himself and figure out his issues. I made it clear to him that I would be immensely hurt if he began to see other people, because it would really make me question his sincerity that he needed to be "alone." He gave up a lot to be alone, so naturally, I expected him to be...alone.
I really tried to avoid any kind of confrontation. The kids were in the middle of a movie, and since I couldn't bare to look at him, I went straight to my room and collapsed in my bed.
I just wanted the day to be over.
Eventually he came into the room and bugged me until I spoke up. I did my best to keep things short and simple. I did not want to see him anymore. I was confused on why he was still hanging out with me if he was sleeping with other people. I was disgusted and hurt and I just wanted him to be out of my life if this was how he chose to live it.
Of course things are never short and simple and we ended up having a long, heart-wrenching conversation which included me telling him to wake up to reality and stop being so selfish. To be at peace with suffering and sacrifice and pain and loneliness. That's the only way to grow - out of the shit of life. He kept seeking out immediate, quick fixes every time he had a feeling of emptiness. But that won't change anything in the long run.
He took it very well and admitted he'd lost his way recently. He told me he could see where I was coming from. He really just wanted me to be a part of his life still, even if it was just as friends. But he said he would no longer contact me - that it simply wasn't fair for me. I think we could have had our friendship last a little longer, but to me, he made a choice that did not leave any possibility for me to remain in his life.
I'm sure this experience of mine is unfortunately more common than not. The pain we all go through when relationships end can feel insurmountable. I'm sharing this not to paint a bad picture of Mauricio, because he's not at all a bad person. In fact, I wouldn't even go as far as saying he did bad things - we just come from two different places on some very big issues. It's clear that his lifestyle is very different than mine and I want to find someone who aligns with the values I hold close to my heart.
This all happened last night, so when I woke up this morning, I tried desperately to go on with my life with as much strength, stability and clarity as I've been living with.
But to be honest, there were a number of times when I just felt defeated. My broken heart is not fully mended yet. Knowing what I found out has opened the wound a little bit and I haven't felt this sad, or this lonely, in a few months. I had hoped I was past these feelings. That his actions wouldn't hurt me as much. But I guess it just goes to show that even when we think we're in the clear, there's always a possibility that things can still sneak up on us.
Plus, how right was the psychic? He said we wouldn't be able to be friends. I wanted to prove him wrong. At least for a little while. But he was so, so right. It was too painful. And if I really do meet someone in the next couple of months, I know it would be painful for Mauricio too.
Honestly, if there is someone out there who is even better for me than Mauricio was, I am truly excited to meet that person. I felt like I was so close in my last relationship. I learned so much - about what I could do, what I wanted, what I was willing and capable of investing. To experience the next level of that, would be absolutely amazing.
I have to hold on to the hope that the Universe has some amazing things in store for me. I've put so much into my life and I would love for one day to see the return on my investment.
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