Day 74: Where the Wild Things Are

Tonight my Dad told me that Maurice Sendak, author of many great books but one of my favorites - Where the Wild Things Are, passed away yesterday at age 83. 

We talked about how great that book - and the idea - was, especially for kids. He took something scary and made it manageable. He made an adventure out of facing one's fears - understanding the misunderstood.

My Dad reminded me this was like my monkey stuffed animal I had when I was little.  After I saw the Wizard of Oz I was terrified of monkeys. So my parents got me a stuffed animal monkey. Cutest thing ever. I was no longer afraid of monkeys. After all, they really were just cute and cuddly.

I still have that monkey.

This made me think about the things I'm doing today. How in many ways, I'm facing my fears, and it's helping me get over them. At least I've gone out on a couple dates, emailed a cute guy I saw on TV...still planning on singing at an open mic. 

Then I realized something. I don't think this process ever really ends. And honestly, I don't think it's limited to a few. You can look at anything and anyone and see how this process could be beneficial. In many ways, we fear things because we don't understand them. White people feared black people because they had darker skin until it was realized, (what a shocker) they were people all the same. Sadly, even today, many conservative and religious people fear homosexuals because they fall in love in different ways. It may be different, but it's love all the same.

We feared monsters and wild things because, well they were wild and monstrous, until we realized, through Max, that they also just wanted to have adventures and be loved by others. 

Somewhere along the way, different meant scary. It's so simple though - different is just different. Different is "Not the same as another or each other; unlike in nature, form, or quality. Novel and unusual."

When we really step back and look at it, isn't everything even in it's smallest form, one way or another, different? And I'd venture to say - that for every one thing you identified as being different, you could also find one thing that was the same.

Somehow we got the message through children's books. Too bad kids grow up and forget.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all just suck it up. Be adventurous. Face our fears. Identify differences, but acknowledge the similarities. And for crying out loud what is so bad about the world and everyone in it being completely 100% the same in that they are all unique.

We'll miss you Maurice. Thank you for such beautiful adventures and enlightening stories. I believe your message will not be forgotten.  

Article: Where the wild things still are: bedtime rituals

Day 73: The curse of being self reliant (Written by my Dad)

I have a lot of respect and admiration for my Dad. He is a very intelligent and witty human being and I'd like to think that some of my finest qualities come from him. So when he asked if I'd ever thought of having a guest writer on my blog, I have to admit, I was pretty flattered.

So I proudly present, an article written by my Dad, Doug Hughes.

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The Curse of Being Self Reliant
By Doug Hughes
 
I have a shrubbery in the front yard (and how can you not be thinking Monty Python now?). Last summer a significant portion of this plant didn't have leaves and it was looking pretty rough. I thought I'd attend to this yard issue before the Home Owners Association started walking up and down my sidewalk with picket sign.

First order of business was to roughly cut out obvious dead wood so I could get a better idea of what was going on. Root rot? Bunnies girdling the tree? (Yes, that is a real word.) Overuse of foliage killer? (Unlikely). So I finish with two rather full bags of trimmings, broken into small bits so the garbage folks don't get jabbed. Second pass, trace back the dead branches as far as possible, cut them off, etc.

You might ask, "Do you know what you're doing?" To which I'd answer, not really, kind of making it up as I go. But, if the branch is already dead, it's unlikely I'm going to kill it more. Plus, I grew up in the vicinity of an orchard and was regularly pressed into manual labor, so I picked up a few tips along the way.

So how many hours did I work on this? Don't know exactly, it's not done and I'm into it a couple... I'm guessing another hour to finish. The technical stuff is coming up shortly, as well as a decision whether to keep the shrub and nurse it back to health or just yank it out of the ground.

So, a few paragraphs in and I'll finally get to the point. I do stuff. Yard work, car work, computer work, cooking work, writing work, house work, etc. It's a long list. I'd readily admit that I'm not a professional at most of these things, but in many cases I'll do work better than a professional because I'm not on the clock and I have a vested interest in the outcome. But, because I may need to do some outside research, it may take me significantly longer than a professional.

Why do I do this? Because I can, and the 'work' part really isn't work as in drudgery, it's typically either a challenge, or a relaxation experience, or a chance to save big bucks over what it would cost to go to a professional. Not that I'm necessarily cheap, but I've been disappointed many times at the time, quality, convenience, and of course cost, at having work done elsewhere.

Sometimes I have ideas that are a vision not shared by anyone else; for instance, a small entertainment stand I built recently. Raw materials were already on hand, the design fit exactly what I needed, and to draw a detailed design, find a shop that would do a custom job, and get to them when they were open, would likely take as long as it took me to build it. Having worked in a shop at one point I'd estimate the cost to be in the $200-$300 price range. I built it in a few hours on a Saturday afternoon with scrap laying around the house.

Next question, "And why would you think there is a down side?" I've got to admit, I get a great feeling of accomplishment doing these things, and saving the money is really nice. Plus, I have an adoring following of people who are impressed with these abilities and bring their own ideas to me regularly. I truly love it.

The down side is that life very quickly fills up these tasks. If you CAN do something you find that you DO it. If you can do lots of things you quickly find that there isn't enough time in this life to do those things. People look at my garage and say, "Why do you need all this stuff?" And many have offered to help me get rid of it. That 'stuff' is what supports the ability to do, well, pretty much anything. Replace a timing belt? Sure. Plumbing, Yup. Electrical? Wiring a basement, tracing a car schematic, or repairing an electric piano? Rebuilding a bike? Generally, but they keep changing technologies, which means new tools all the time, darn it. Recording from a High-8 video camera to a player/recorder DVD? Just did that, had to read a dozen pages from the manual to get all the settings right, but it's not hard, just lots of steps.

What about time? There is never enough. I don't understand people who have time to watch movies or play video games. Not that those aren't enjoyable social activities, but alone? Why would a person do that? And being bored? Can't even understand the concept.

But you can't walk by a problem without searching for a solution, there are very few things that ever need to be thrown away because even poorly made stuff from Walmart can still be fixed. I walked by two houses today that had perfectly serviceable things in the trash. Had a brief thought to grab the porch swing, but I'm trying to cut back rather than acquire.

I know a number of people that can't wait for the weekend so they can 'get away'. I truly have nothing against recreation, travel, entertainment, but to put your life on hold all week so you can go 'away'? It's a tradeoff, you go play but then need to pay someone to paint your house, mow your lawn, feed your dog. I see people with nothing in their garage and wonder, how do they fix a a leaky faucet, what do they do when their furnace quits working at 2AM on the coldest day of the year? Why is the turn signal flasher the parts manual says is for my car not working? (All real world examples btw).  I'm not sure what they do. I just do a little research, read the manual, ask my friend Mr. Google, and fix it. Then contemplate what it would be like to have a garage with space to easily open all the car doors without having to pull out on the driveway first.

I think the curse is hereditary. I got it from my parents, and I keep seeing signs of it in my kids.

Day 72: Advice

It's funny how it's always easier to give others advice than to follow your own. One of the most remarkable things I've tried is an idea I got from the book Eat, Pray, Love. The idea is simple, but it seems a little silly at first. Write a letter to your higher self in a notebook. Then, answer the letter. It may seem strange but it actually is astonishing. When I tried this, I asked myself questions about my life and my purpose. Was I on the right track? I found to my amazement that almost as soon as I had written my questions, I knew the answers. I wrote back to myself, yet it felt as though I was writing from a higher point. A wiser self. 

Anyway, tonight I wanted to share some advice I gave someone dear to me. I know it's always easier said than done, but after going through so many extreme ups and downs already in my life, this advice is something I couldn't be more confident about.

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I've grown to believe that almost any sickness or ailment can be due to repressed anger or sadness - or really any negative feelings that we don't let go of. Holding on to negative emotion can really cause some serious physical damage - i.e. fibromyalgia... cancer... sickness....

The thing I've learned that I think is the most important to remember is that it helps to always be in pursuit of balance. Life is always changing so we need to change with it. Sometimes it's better for us to be a recluse. Other times it's best to get up and go outside and be active. But the only person who knows what's best for us, is us. We have to trust ourselves and our higher self. Sometimes all it takes is trying to nudge ourselves in one direction and see how it feels. If it feels right (even if it's difficult) then we should continue. It takes practice and patience so I've learned to be gentle and forgiving with myself. Some days I feel good and others I feel bad. But I try to let go. In fact, that's my mantra. "Let go" or "Surrender". I have a bumper sticker that says Let Go on the back of my car. It's amazing how much that helps.

Of course it's always easier to give advice to others : ). So the last thing I'll say is that we're all stronger than we think or know. If we can just take one day at a time and push ourselves as much as we can (even if to others it looks like we're just laying in bed all day), then things will always get better.

Day 71: The Optimistic Skeptic

So obviously I'm in knee-deep with my life's transforming stage. I'm excited about what the future holds and at the same time a little bewildered. So many possibilities. I've held close the belief that everything happens for a reason. So it intrigues me to think about where I'm at now - I'm at an incredibly different place than I thought I'd be 6 months ago, so what could possibly happen 6 months from now? There are so many paths I could take... so many that the Universe will present me. I can feel it.

One thing the Psychic told me was that in terms of my career, I would go one of three ways. One - stay where I'm at and face a new opportunity that may make my working situation "friendlier," two - stay in my industry, but change jobs, or three - change everything altogether. Throw it to the wind. Take a great risk in the name of passion. Be willing and open to financial insecurity. This sounded the most fun, but returning to the state of "single mommy-hood" again puts things in a different perspective. Not as much freedom to run wild with the wind.

Speaking of wind...

I was driving home from work the other day with the windows rolled down and beautiful music playing (Andrew Bird station on Pandora, in case anyone's interested). Anyway, I felt so happy and peaceful. Even despite the traffic! I felt this renewed sense of self-love and rediscovery. Even if I decided that leaving my stable career for the chance to sing or act or become an activist wasn't in my cards, I still needed to find a way to feed my desire for the things I'm most passionate about.

I might be playing it too safe. I need to take some risks in my life. They don't need to be anything extravagant. For example, a risk would be to sing at an open mic. That's scary and I have no idea how I'll do - so, it's risky.

Here's another risk. And this is pretty silly. I was watching the Daily Show (as I do, religiously), and one of the guests this week was Ben Rattray, Founder and CEO of Change.org. It could have been the fact that he took action and developed a website that essentially functions the way mine would have (well, one of mine), or it could have been that he was successful and well-spoken and comfortable chatting with Jon Stewart (one of my idols), or that his brother came out as gay and he realized that although he may not have been someone causing harm to the gay community, or any underdog for that matter, he certainly wasn't doing anything to stop it (which is exactly how I've felt and hello...my mom coming out brought me to the same realization), or maybe it was simply how attractive I found him overall, but I found that there was this strange feeling that he could be the love of my life. 

Okay, before I go on let me clarify something. This almost never happens. Actually, I'm not sure it has ever happened. Even with undeniable hotties like Brad Pitt. I just seem to be more "practical" for lack of a better word. I'm not interested in having some weird infatuation with a guy hundreds or thousands of people look at similarly. And let's face it, while I respect the power of social media and especially the fact that he's harnessed it for good, it is pretty overwhelming. It's not like I could shoot him an email and say, "Hey. I dig your style and I like your face. We should grab coffee sometime. Oh by the way, I live in Denver." Plus I'd probably sound like a crazy stalker and that's just not how I roll.

So needless to say, I guess I set my standards pretty high. Well, maybe. The funny thing is he didn't really have a "wooing" presence. Didn't seem necessarily like the guy all the girls wanted in high school. I could be wrong. But what I saw in him wasn't some overbearing effort to be desired or popular or accepted or anything. I saw this familiar trait of being genuine and a little nerdy, but smart and passionate and focused. Will I ruin the moment if I say he reminded me of me?

I found myself laughing because I realized I was staring at the bottom of the screen watching his hands move around, trying to see if there was a ring on his finger. I wasn't successful, so who knows. But here's where I see my next big risk. Which may not seem like a risk, but it is to me. I think I might just try shooting him an email. Why not? I have no idea what I'll say but really, I don't think it could hurt anything and I might even have a good laugh about it later.

One last thing. What makes this even more comical is that I'm at the low-point of being single. Which is to say, I have no freaking clue what I'm doing in the dating realm. I have no idea how to "put on the moves" or play up my woman charm. I don't know how to make myself stand out among other prospects trying the same thing as me. If I had the energy, I'd probably think hard of something funny and creative - something that would truly grab his attention and quickly give him an idea of how awesome I am. Of course the way the world is today, it's nearly impossible to cut through all the online buzz and chaos and noise and really make yourself stand out. I guess as a marketer, and a social media marketer, that's what I'm supposed to figure out. 

Although, I'd like to think this isn't a "job" so I'm going back to my original approach - cool, calm, collected. Sincere, off the cusp. And brilliant.

Here's to my optimistic, yet skeptical self!

     

Day 70: The Psychic

For the first time in my life, I saw a psychic. Truth be told, I've always been a bit of a skeptic. The whole idea of all that supernatural stuff - being hypnotized, having your future told, people reading your mind - it all sounded too good to be true. But how I wished it were all true.

I actually received this particular psychic's business card years ago. Maybe even before Cambria was born, if not shortly after. My friend had seen him and raved about her experience. She said the cost was $75, but you paid whatever you felt your session was worth. He also recorded the hour-long reading so you could keep it and refer back to it, which I thought was pretty cool. Just those two things alone (not to mention my friend's enthusiastic recommendation) made me interested in setting up an appointment. But I never did. And eventually after a few moves, I lost his card.

When I started working at my recent job a couple years ago, the women on my team were ecstatic about this psychic they had seen. Their minds were officially blown. The stories they told were shocking (to each other - I had no frame of reference yet, being so new to the group). I knew then that I'd like to make an appointment. But I didn't.

So finally, about 6 months ago, I asked one of my co-workers for his information. And I set up 2 back-to-back appointments for me and Mauricio. Now this was back in October or November - it takes a while to get in with this guy. So obviously my whole world had changed since the time I booked the appointment. But I thought that would just make things a little more interesting.

So we went. Yes, I allowed Mauricio to come as well. And our minds were officially blown.

First it was me. Mauricio was going to come an hour later for his appointment. I sat down with this psychic and as I was casually looking around the room I noticed his business card. He was the same psychic my friend told me about years and years ago. Fate perhaps?

Anyway, my reading was incredible. He wasn't always accurate, but for the most part he was. He gave me such interesting advice. He described my relationship with Mauricio as if it were two different relationships (which, in many ways, is true). He also told me that it wasn't possible for us to be friends. We'd either be romantically involved or go our separate ways.

If we chose to go our separate ways though, I need not worry. My "soul mate" would come into my life by August or September of this year. Yup.

We would get married and I'd have two other kids - a daughter and a son. And all this would be sooner than I'd expect. So...that's pretty freaking cool : )

Needless to say, it was a little weird walking out of my appointment knowing this and seeing Mauricio. It's true, we have been trying to be friends. Playing it by ear really. It's hard to give up your significant other. But even harder to give up your best friend at the same time. So we've been holding on to at least our friendship.

Mauricio's reading was even more mind-blowing than mine. But the psychic did give Mauricio a word of caution in terms of our relationship - figure out whether you can commit or not, because that's what she needs. And if you can't, then be kind. Let her go and be happy.

The psychic also said we were telepathically connected, so essentially once I decide to "let go" he'll sense that and want to come closer. But once I've made my decision, I'll need to stand my ground.

Obviously this was all a lot to take in. And this wasn't even half of the reading. But this has really been an issue at the forefront of my life. And I realized it's time to make a decision.

Day 69: Much needed rain

The weather today was oddly representative of how I've been feeling. Woke up to a light dusting of snow on the ground and warm sunshine. Decided to get the kids (Cambria and Layla) and go out for bagels and coffee, with a walk in the brisk, but not too cold air to follow. By the time we were set with our food and coffee, ready to go, the wind came. And the wind brought the clouds. Which of course engulfed the sun and brought chillier air than I was willing to tolerate. So we waited. Cramped in the hot, claustrophobic house with a puppy all too eager to get outside and play...until she was outside, then rearranged her puppy desires and wanted to come in. The wind picked up and brought with it sleet. Then for a brief moment the wind slowed and the sun reappeared. By the time we drove to the lake to go for our highly anticipated walk, the wind made a comeback and we realized our puppy would need her puppy jacket to tolerate it. So we went home and by that time the puppy was asleep and my daughter wanted to play with her friend. The cold had made a full return now so I succumbed. 

The rest of the day followed a similar pattern, but limited itself to a range between chilly and unbearably cold, and rain to sleet to rain to harder rain. The sun didn't really come out again.

Relying unconsciously on one of my much appreciated strengths, I was able to grow ever so slightly optimistic, much like the little green tulips pushing up through the dirt, cloth and wood chips in my garden, or my young flowering tree, which bends but doesn't break in the strong and unforgiving wind. Despite still feeling a little down, I noticed how green everything looked even without the sun, but after the rain. Not just the green, but all the colors became more vibrant. Like nature had been begging Mother Earth to quench its thirst. Not that it needed this rain to grow - Spring came in Colorado despite the driest March ever. But how grateful it was to have the water assist the new life in breaking through the cold and and keeping its promise to grow beauty after death.

Witnessing this unspoken communication in the nature around me, I felt just enough of a lift in my spirit to avoid wasting the rest of the day. It was just enough hope inside me to reassure my impatient and tired mind and heart to simply be. Be awake. Be alive. Be well. Be happy. And...be grateful. 

It's so easy to become overwhelmed these days. We're constantly being attacked with so many different modes of communication - pushing and fighting to grab our focus. So instead of living in simple terms, with simple minds and focused intentions, we divide ourselves into a million pieces to attempt to satisfy all requests and demands on us. Today I realized why I was fighting myself - even down to my stubborn resistance to write in my blog as I had promised. I was relinquishing my power over myself, but at the same time I didn't want to. I was caught between the barrage of worldly chaos and my inner desires. So I brought the fight inside. But... I continue to surprise myself. I'm stronger than I think and the battle isn't over.

Thank you rain. I guess I needed you too.

Day 68: Horrible Day

Just as I was about to write a few words about how much today royally sucked, my mom called. Today was a crappy day - more so than normal. Generally I don't consider most days to be bad, but today was definitely unique in that. To top it off I found out my mom has been in the ER and was diagnosed with some kind of a disorder that is preliminary to Parkinson's Disease. Wonderful. Even better...she went to her friends first before coming to me, her family. I always felt like I took a backseat to her trendy AA friends and the GLBT community. But I thought that if she ever ended up back in the ER she'd call me. 

I haven't felt this alone in a long time. It seemed like I was starting to do okay. But maybe I was just getting good at disguising it. 

Honestly, at this point I'm just so ready to go to bed and end this day that I'm not sure I have the energy to analyze or reflect anything more. 

Will try to pick up the pieces tomorrow and think of something brilliant to write about.