Late night thoughts ... when will the world learn?
Written late last night…
I’ve laid awake in bed for long enough. My mind is racing with so many ideas, so many dreams of what I would do if I had more power. Finally, it hit me. I could try blogging. The idea of saying whatever you want and people actually reading it, is pretty empowering. And if no one reads it, you’re not out anything. It’s like writing in your journal but with the potential of actually reaching someone. Actually having something worth saying and potentially starting a conversation, or heck, maybe even some change. At the very least, I expect to feel some kind of therapeutic effect from this new process I’m embarking on.
Haha. I’ve never blogged before. In fact, I’ve only read a couple of my friends’ blogs at one time or another. I’m not even really sure whether there are any established rules or etiquette by now. But, nevertheless here I am. Later than I’d like to be up, on a work night, sitting in my kitchen listening to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros (great band by the way).
So what’s been on my mind? Keeping me irritatingly awake? A few things. And I think they’re pretty significant … which is why I got out of bed to start a blog.
They are: The issue of gay marriage; the rights, or lack thereof of an incredible and deserving Father, and … some not so important things like trying to remember to follow up on a medical bill to make sure they have my current insurance. Okay I guess there are just two big things I was thinking about. The rest were small and annoying thoughts that are not so important now, but wait till that bill goes to collections and then *poof* it’s important. That’s happened to me before.
Anyway, the issue of gay marriage might be a little easier to address first because a) I’m passionate about it, but not as passionate as the second big thing and b) I think it’s pretty straight (no pun intended) forward logic that unfortunately is taking awhile to catch on.
So bottom line – the battle to achieve equality is still waging.
Why is it that throughout history the masses continually forget, so quickly, that equal rights means literally letting everyone have the same rights, regardless of the color of your skin, the religion you identify with, your gender, your age, AND yes… your sexual orientation. There are so many illogical arguments against homosexuality it’s starting to get annoying. And many of the people making these arguments most likely have either personally experienced discrimination against something to do with them in history (whether through religion, gender, race, etc.) or their ancestors have.
One argument is whether people are born gay or choose to be gay. As if knowing this fact will somehow settle the issue of their legal rights. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter whether they have control over it or not. We’re talking legal rights and the freedom to pursue happiness as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others (sorry – your issue on not wanting to see two dudes make out isn’t any different than not wanting to see the reality of homelessness or a sickening anti-abortion demonstration or whatever you don’t like seeing. You have the right to turn away).
And as for the argument of preserving the “sanctity of marriage” in the “eyes of God” or however that goes, it’s completely irrelevant when we’re talking about legal rights. Remember? Law and Religion separate? Right. So the fight going on in California right now about overturning the ban on same sex marriage is big. Here we have a gay, yet extremely conservative judge who uses the power that he’s been given (what?? He’s doing his job?? OMG) to see the reality of the issue – that denying anyone a right to enjoy the legal benefits of marriage to the one you love and plan to be with for a long time REGARDLESS if the law allows you to marry or not – is actually a great thing.
And of course everyone’s whining about how he can possibly be allowed to go against what the ignorant, close-minded, discriminating part of the public thinks is right. Aside from the fact that he’s doing his job, the human race has historically screwed things up when thinking that the same old thing is and always will be the right way of thinking (world is flat, anyone who doesn’t believe in God should die, black people should be slaves, women’s roles are restricted to the home, etc. etc.). I mean really, how many times will we have the SAME situation dressed in a different costume play out before we finally get it? EQUAL means EQUAL. I’m not judging (or trying not to) the people who are trying to keep marriage between a man and a woman. But I’m encouraging those people to really think about what they are trying to do. Who are they to say that the way they choose to do things in life is the only right way to do it?
Last issue about that, and this is where it really brings it home for me. But first, a little background info…
Who else loves the show Modern Family? I think it’s one of the best things that TV has done in a long time. In fact, I happen to consider myself to be in a very modern family and I think most families these days don’t fit the Daddy, Mommy, Brother, Sister, Dog and Cat picture anymore (should we add white and Christian?).
I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon). I have nothing bad to say about this church – I think it’s a beautiful organization that is a good fit for a lot of people and does an incredible amount of good things in this world, but it doesn’t fit with my spiritual beliefs personally. When I was about 16, my parents got divorced. Divorce at this time wasn’t common around my town and especially in church (and only 10 years later things have changed, by the way). So I immediately felt alone, confused and a little scared about my family.
Then a couple years later, my Mom came out. Yup. She’s gay!
Then, I was taken advantage of by someone who I thought was a trusted friend and ended up becoming pregnant my senior year of High School. Yup! I was a young, single Mommy.
Even though my family was beginning to take on a new look, I still felt very close to all of them and never doubted for a second that we were a close and loving family. Sure, we were different. But upon observation of other families, I realized we’re all different. And I explained this to my daughter when she asked questions about why she didn’t have a Daddy. It’s as simple as this – families, just like people, come in all different shapes, sizes, colors. Some kids are adopted. Some kids don’t have a mommy or daddy – they’re raised by their grandparents, family relatives, or friends of the family. Some have two mommies or two daddies. Some have just one parent. Some have step-parents. Some are multi-racial. And all have a unique story behind it. But no type of family is any better than another.
The whole point of this, is that we’re all beautifully unique in every facet of our lives. And just because you may have one view of the world and notice that someone else has another view that you don’t agree with, doesn’t give you the right or the authority to say they’re wrong. What if you’re the one who’s wrong?
I think I like this blogging thing… : )
The second big thing that’s been on my mind is the situation my boyfriend is in. (Side note: even though we’re not engaged or married, the term “boyfriend” truly does not do our relationship justice. Honestly, I consider him my soul mate and I plan to be with him for the rest of my life. And not in a young, puppy love kind of way. We’ve both been through a lot. And as parents of 3 little girls, dealing with a challenging ex-wife and a lot of other very real things, we’ve found a deep love that we hold at a level of utmost respect and value.)
He has two absolutely beautiful little girls. My daughter is the oldest, a year younger is his oldest and a year younger is the littlest one. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years and have known each other for almost 4. So when we first started dating, his youngest was 2.
When he got divorced, it wasn’t as simple and straight forward as one would hope. First of all, this guy is incredible. Very loving, very down to Earth and always doing his best to be positive. Despite constant intuitive feelings regarding the future of his relationship with his wife at the time, he did everything he could to stay together for the sake of his two little girls. But he realized, like many unhappy couples do, that he would be a better father for his children if he were not with their mother. Of course, she didn’t share the same view and had a very hard time with his need for a trial separation. So, she filed for divorce and there you have it. The beginning of the dark ages. It was a nasty battle and unfortunately left him very confused, hurt and mentally/emotionally weakened.
At the time, he felt it was best for the girls to be primarily with her since they were still so young. The court ruled that he’d have the girls every weekend of the month, except the last. While this sacrifice of time with them was worth it while they were young (oh – and he was a stay at home Dad originally, so not used to this level of separation), as they were growing into their preschool years he knew he needed to step back into their lives as more of an equal parent and nurture them as they developed into young women, just as any loving and supportive father would want to do.
But of course, once again the law and public view comes in and muddles everything up. It was an uphill battle for him to get his girls, especially 50/50. And his ex-wife wasn’t helping anything. Even though she publicly agreed that he was a great father and should get more time with them, she didn’t want him to play that role during the school year. Oh yeah, I was at their hearing. He had a wonderful attorney who completely believed in his case. And we thought the case was pretty black and white. He’s a great Dad, he’s already shown his dedication to them and know it would be best for them to have more quality time with him … so, what’s the problem again?
But apparently that wasn’t enough to convince the magistrate. His ex testified against him, concentrating her entire testimony on how giving him 50/50 would be a disadvantage to her (not the girls) and that the way things have been has worked fine, so why change it. And of course his testimony radiated with his love and passion for his children and his strong desire to contribute more to their lives, bringing every argument back to the girls and how it would benefit THEM to have him in their lives equally.
I thought for sure he’d win. Hands down. It seemed so utterly logical and sound to me. But after a few months of waiting, and finding out the magistrate had taken a couple weeks vacation, we received word that he ruled in the ex-wife’s favor. No explanation at all.
While we’re currently waiting again, to hear back on the appeal we submitted, I am so distraught over this issue. Of course this is only the top level of this story. While I’ll do my best to refrain from completely diving into the shocking and horrific (yes, those strong of words are accurate here) details of events that take place between my boyfriend and his ex, I will say that we are dealing with someone who has a complete and obvious need for power and control. When she feels as though that’s being threatened, she will literally go crazy. It’s quite remarkable. Sometimes I try to remove myself from the highly emotional place I’m in, trying to simply study her behavior. Like a psychologist would do. In fact – any of you out there? I challenge you to take her on, with caution of course.
Alright, I’m sure at a later time I will go into more depth with the passion and wisdom I have concerning this last topic. Because of course, with the most trying of situations, come the most valuable learning experiences (if you allow for it). We’ve had a lot of challenges. So we’re pretty wise.
Now that I’m on the last track of the album (seriously – check these guys out. “Home” is a great song), I feel as though I should wrap this up. Not sure if the length was acceptable for a blog, but like I said in the beginning – these detailed thoughts were keeping me up!
I have a lot I’ve always felt compelled to say. A lot of it is just telling my story, of being a teenage mother, working full time, attending school full time, battling depression, suicide attempts (before I was pregnant), coping with dramatic changes in my family, working through rape, and the genuine search for who I am and my purpose in this life.
Hopefully I’ll find a good balance between positive and inspiring things to talk about and the nightmares that can haunt me at times. But as I told my daughter tonight when I tucked her in, life is about the ups and downs. The dynamic of good and bad. Without one, the other isn’t truly real or meaningful.
I’ve laid awake in bed for long enough. My mind is racing with so many ideas, so many dreams of what I would do if I had more power. Finally, it hit me. I could try blogging. The idea of saying whatever you want and people actually reading it, is pretty empowering. And if no one reads it, you’re not out anything. It’s like writing in your journal but with the potential of actually reaching someone. Actually having something worth saying and potentially starting a conversation, or heck, maybe even some change. At the very least, I expect to feel some kind of therapeutic effect from this new process I’m embarking on.
Haha. I’ve never blogged before. In fact, I’ve only read a couple of my friends’ blogs at one time or another. I’m not even really sure whether there are any established rules or etiquette by now. But, nevertheless here I am. Later than I’d like to be up, on a work night, sitting in my kitchen listening to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros (great band by the way).
So what’s been on my mind? Keeping me irritatingly awake? A few things. And I think they’re pretty significant … which is why I got out of bed to start a blog.
They are: The issue of gay marriage; the rights, or lack thereof of an incredible and deserving Father, and … some not so important things like trying to remember to follow up on a medical bill to make sure they have my current insurance. Okay I guess there are just two big things I was thinking about. The rest were small and annoying thoughts that are not so important now, but wait till that bill goes to collections and then *poof* it’s important. That’s happened to me before.
Anyway, the issue of gay marriage might be a little easier to address first because a) I’m passionate about it, but not as passionate as the second big thing and b) I think it’s pretty straight (no pun intended) forward logic that unfortunately is taking awhile to catch on.
So bottom line – the battle to achieve equality is still waging.
Why is it that throughout history the masses continually forget, so quickly, that equal rights means literally letting everyone have the same rights, regardless of the color of your skin, the religion you identify with, your gender, your age, AND yes… your sexual orientation. There are so many illogical arguments against homosexuality it’s starting to get annoying. And many of the people making these arguments most likely have either personally experienced discrimination against something to do with them in history (whether through religion, gender, race, etc.) or their ancestors have.
One argument is whether people are born gay or choose to be gay. As if knowing this fact will somehow settle the issue of their legal rights. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter whether they have control over it or not. We’re talking legal rights and the freedom to pursue happiness as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others (sorry – your issue on not wanting to see two dudes make out isn’t any different than not wanting to see the reality of homelessness or a sickening anti-abortion demonstration or whatever you don’t like seeing. You have the right to turn away).
And as for the argument of preserving the “sanctity of marriage” in the “eyes of God” or however that goes, it’s completely irrelevant when we’re talking about legal rights. Remember? Law and Religion separate? Right. So the fight going on in California right now about overturning the ban on same sex marriage is big. Here we have a gay, yet extremely conservative judge who uses the power that he’s been given (what?? He’s doing his job?? OMG) to see the reality of the issue – that denying anyone a right to enjoy the legal benefits of marriage to the one you love and plan to be with for a long time REGARDLESS if the law allows you to marry or not – is actually a great thing.
And of course everyone’s whining about how he can possibly be allowed to go against what the ignorant, close-minded, discriminating part of the public thinks is right. Aside from the fact that he’s doing his job, the human race has historically screwed things up when thinking that the same old thing is and always will be the right way of thinking (world is flat, anyone who doesn’t believe in God should die, black people should be slaves, women’s roles are restricted to the home, etc. etc.). I mean really, how many times will we have the SAME situation dressed in a different costume play out before we finally get it? EQUAL means EQUAL. I’m not judging (or trying not to) the people who are trying to keep marriage between a man and a woman. But I’m encouraging those people to really think about what they are trying to do. Who are they to say that the way they choose to do things in life is the only right way to do it?
Last issue about that, and this is where it really brings it home for me. But first, a little background info…
Who else loves the show Modern Family? I think it’s one of the best things that TV has done in a long time. In fact, I happen to consider myself to be in a very modern family and I think most families these days don’t fit the Daddy, Mommy, Brother, Sister, Dog and Cat picture anymore (should we add white and Christian?).
I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon). I have nothing bad to say about this church – I think it’s a beautiful organization that is a good fit for a lot of people and does an incredible amount of good things in this world, but it doesn’t fit with my spiritual beliefs personally. When I was about 16, my parents got divorced. Divorce at this time wasn’t common around my town and especially in church (and only 10 years later things have changed, by the way). So I immediately felt alone, confused and a little scared about my family.
Then a couple years later, my Mom came out. Yup. She’s gay!
Then, I was taken advantage of by someone who I thought was a trusted friend and ended up becoming pregnant my senior year of High School. Yup! I was a young, single Mommy.
Even though my family was beginning to take on a new look, I still felt very close to all of them and never doubted for a second that we were a close and loving family. Sure, we were different. But upon observation of other families, I realized we’re all different. And I explained this to my daughter when she asked questions about why she didn’t have a Daddy. It’s as simple as this – families, just like people, come in all different shapes, sizes, colors. Some kids are adopted. Some kids don’t have a mommy or daddy – they’re raised by their grandparents, family relatives, or friends of the family. Some have two mommies or two daddies. Some have just one parent. Some have step-parents. Some are multi-racial. And all have a unique story behind it. But no type of family is any better than another.
The whole point of this, is that we’re all beautifully unique in every facet of our lives. And just because you may have one view of the world and notice that someone else has another view that you don’t agree with, doesn’t give you the right or the authority to say they’re wrong. What if you’re the one who’s wrong?
I think I like this blogging thing… : )
The second big thing that’s been on my mind is the situation my boyfriend is in. (Side note: even though we’re not engaged or married, the term “boyfriend” truly does not do our relationship justice. Honestly, I consider him my soul mate and I plan to be with him for the rest of my life. And not in a young, puppy love kind of way. We’ve both been through a lot. And as parents of 3 little girls, dealing with a challenging ex-wife and a lot of other very real things, we’ve found a deep love that we hold at a level of utmost respect and value.)
He has two absolutely beautiful little girls. My daughter is the oldest, a year younger is his oldest and a year younger is the littlest one. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years and have known each other for almost 4. So when we first started dating, his youngest was 2.
When he got divorced, it wasn’t as simple and straight forward as one would hope. First of all, this guy is incredible. Very loving, very down to Earth and always doing his best to be positive. Despite constant intuitive feelings regarding the future of his relationship with his wife at the time, he did everything he could to stay together for the sake of his two little girls. But he realized, like many unhappy couples do, that he would be a better father for his children if he were not with their mother. Of course, she didn’t share the same view and had a very hard time with his need for a trial separation. So, she filed for divorce and there you have it. The beginning of the dark ages. It was a nasty battle and unfortunately left him very confused, hurt and mentally/emotionally weakened.
At the time, he felt it was best for the girls to be primarily with her since they were still so young. The court ruled that he’d have the girls every weekend of the month, except the last. While this sacrifice of time with them was worth it while they were young (oh – and he was a stay at home Dad originally, so not used to this level of separation), as they were growing into their preschool years he knew he needed to step back into their lives as more of an equal parent and nurture them as they developed into young women, just as any loving and supportive father would want to do.
But of course, once again the law and public view comes in and muddles everything up. It was an uphill battle for him to get his girls, especially 50/50. And his ex-wife wasn’t helping anything. Even though she publicly agreed that he was a great father and should get more time with them, she didn’t want him to play that role during the school year. Oh yeah, I was at their hearing. He had a wonderful attorney who completely believed in his case. And we thought the case was pretty black and white. He’s a great Dad, he’s already shown his dedication to them and know it would be best for them to have more quality time with him … so, what’s the problem again?
But apparently that wasn’t enough to convince the magistrate. His ex testified against him, concentrating her entire testimony on how giving him 50/50 would be a disadvantage to her (not the girls) and that the way things have been has worked fine, so why change it. And of course his testimony radiated with his love and passion for his children and his strong desire to contribute more to their lives, bringing every argument back to the girls and how it would benefit THEM to have him in their lives equally.
I thought for sure he’d win. Hands down. It seemed so utterly logical and sound to me. But after a few months of waiting, and finding out the magistrate had taken a couple weeks vacation, we received word that he ruled in the ex-wife’s favor. No explanation at all.
While we’re currently waiting again, to hear back on the appeal we submitted, I am so distraught over this issue. Of course this is only the top level of this story. While I’ll do my best to refrain from completely diving into the shocking and horrific (yes, those strong of words are accurate here) details of events that take place between my boyfriend and his ex, I will say that we are dealing with someone who has a complete and obvious need for power and control. When she feels as though that’s being threatened, she will literally go crazy. It’s quite remarkable. Sometimes I try to remove myself from the highly emotional place I’m in, trying to simply study her behavior. Like a psychologist would do. In fact – any of you out there? I challenge you to take her on, with caution of course.
Alright, I’m sure at a later time I will go into more depth with the passion and wisdom I have concerning this last topic. Because of course, with the most trying of situations, come the most valuable learning experiences (if you allow for it). We’ve had a lot of challenges. So we’re pretty wise.
Now that I’m on the last track of the album (seriously – check these guys out. “Home” is a great song), I feel as though I should wrap this up. Not sure if the length was acceptable for a blog, but like I said in the beginning – these detailed thoughts were keeping me up!
I have a lot I’ve always felt compelled to say. A lot of it is just telling my story, of being a teenage mother, working full time, attending school full time, battling depression, suicide attempts (before I was pregnant), coping with dramatic changes in my family, working through rape, and the genuine search for who I am and my purpose in this life.
Hopefully I’ll find a good balance between positive and inspiring things to talk about and the nightmares that can haunt me at times. But as I told my daughter tonight when I tucked her in, life is about the ups and downs. The dynamic of good and bad. Without one, the other isn’t truly real or meaningful.
Comments
Post a Comment