Day 69: Much needed rain

The weather today was oddly representative of how I've been feeling. Woke up to a light dusting of snow on the ground and warm sunshine. Decided to get the kids (Cambria and Layla) and go out for bagels and coffee, with a walk in the brisk, but not too cold air to follow. By the time we were set with our food and coffee, ready to go, the wind came. And the wind brought the clouds. Which of course engulfed the sun and brought chillier air than I was willing to tolerate. So we waited. Cramped in the hot, claustrophobic house with a puppy all too eager to get outside and play...until she was outside, then rearranged her puppy desires and wanted to come in. The wind picked up and brought with it sleet. Then for a brief moment the wind slowed and the sun reappeared. By the time we drove to the lake to go for our highly anticipated walk, the wind made a comeback and we realized our puppy would need her puppy jacket to tolerate it. So we went home and by that time the puppy was asleep and my daughter wanted to play with her friend. The cold had made a full return now so I succumbed. 

The rest of the day followed a similar pattern, but limited itself to a range between chilly and unbearably cold, and rain to sleet to rain to harder rain. The sun didn't really come out again.

Relying unconsciously on one of my much appreciated strengths, I was able to grow ever so slightly optimistic, much like the little green tulips pushing up through the dirt, cloth and wood chips in my garden, or my young flowering tree, which bends but doesn't break in the strong and unforgiving wind. Despite still feeling a little down, I noticed how green everything looked even without the sun, but after the rain. Not just the green, but all the colors became more vibrant. Like nature had been begging Mother Earth to quench its thirst. Not that it needed this rain to grow - Spring came in Colorado despite the driest March ever. But how grateful it was to have the water assist the new life in breaking through the cold and and keeping its promise to grow beauty after death.

Witnessing this unspoken communication in the nature around me, I felt just enough of a lift in my spirit to avoid wasting the rest of the day. It was just enough hope inside me to reassure my impatient and tired mind and heart to simply be. Be awake. Be alive. Be well. Be happy. And...be grateful. 

It's so easy to become overwhelmed these days. We're constantly being attacked with so many different modes of communication - pushing and fighting to grab our focus. So instead of living in simple terms, with simple minds and focused intentions, we divide ourselves into a million pieces to attempt to satisfy all requests and demands on us. Today I realized why I was fighting myself - even down to my stubborn resistance to write in my blog as I had promised. I was relinquishing my power over myself, but at the same time I didn't want to. I was caught between the barrage of worldly chaos and my inner desires. So I brought the fight inside. But... I continue to surprise myself. I'm stronger than I think and the battle isn't over.

Thank you rain. I guess I needed you too.