Day 65: Just takes time

Well, Mauricio and I have been trying to be friends. Which I've been conflicted over. On the one hand, it felt nice to transition such a sad feeling into at least a neutral one. I thought it might be possible. We were best friends anyway so maybe I could do it. 

It was going okay. Pretty well actually. But then we hung out last night and I was reminded that I need more time to get passed this sad and angry phase. It was a little strange - nothing really happened to trigger it, except maybe a glass or two of wine. But for some reason our conversation quickly went from normal to me in tears. Completely at a loss as to why he ended things. We both agreed we seemed so perfect for each other. I told him I couldn't help but wonder if we'd end up like "The Notebook" as corny as that is. I'm sure every girl who watches that movie feels this way, but that couple truly reminded me of us. And I wondered if Mauricio was taking this time to work on bettering himself and that one day he'd feel like he would be good enough to win me back. When I said this out loud, I realized how much I was fooling myself. And that made me hurt even worse. 

I don't mean this to sound bad, but I've always had guys who have really, really wanted to be with me. This isn't to say that I don't have faults. But I know my strengths. One is my sincere attempt at being genuine. Also the passion I have to better myself. To work things out. To overcome obstacles. To make a difference in people's lives. I aspire to be a good person. So even when I make mistakes or my faults are exposed, I'm okay with admitting them. I'm okay with learning from them and doing my best to overcome them. 

Or at least work on them. 

I think this may be why my experience with boyfriends has been the way it's been. Usually I'm the one who feels bad for hurting them, but needs to be honest and let them know I need to move on. But in the past, it's usually because it's obvious we won't "fit" well together. And I'm the one who points it out. 

This is different. At least I thought it was. I thought we were mutually happy together. That it was known by us and everyone who knew us how perfect we were together. Which is why ending the relationship was really not in my plans....ever. And I didn't expect it to be in his. 

But now I'm starting to feel like maybe there's more to him breaking up solely because he needed to work on himself. I can't help but feel like if he viewed our relationship the way I did, nothing would make him want to end it. Or at least nothing that's happened so far. I thought our relationship was worth fighting for. Worth working hard to maintain. I thought it was unique and everlasting and unconditional. And I thought we both thought that. 

I guess my realization lately, which has been a new phase, is that no matter how sure I am or how hard I'm willing to work, I simply cannot know for sure or convince someone else to work at a relationship. Because it involves two people. And while I hope in the future I'll be able to find someone who can be honest with himself and with me, and that he will feel the way I feel about him, I can't know for sure. 

I guess that makes me somewhat of a skeptic. I've always been skeptical. Well...at least until I fell in love with Mauricio. But now that I'm back where I started, so far from where I thought I was going, I've regained that skepticism. It's so hard to be hopeful. 

But then again, that's why things take time. At least I can trust in that.