Day 35: A Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Please help me understand the process I'm going through. Why is it that some days I feel so strong and others I feel so vulnerable. There are times I feel like I'm on my way up, out of the fog. That I've been through the worst of it, and it will only get better from here. Then I find myself back in this place again. Hurting and wanting things to be different than they are. Wondering if I really could change them...if I should change them.

The hardest part is figuring out whether I'm leaning towards fate or chance, in any given moment. I've come to believe life is a constant balancing act between what I have control over, and what my destiny holds in store for me. I do believe things happen for a reason, and that You have a greater view of the inner-workings of this world. You see things that we as individuals simply can't see. So there is value in trusting You and letting go, surrendering to the natural flow of life.

But we are not held to our fate. Our lives and the paths we take are not set in stone. There is a general direction I believe we are headed and there could be various ways of getting there. But things can always change. 

But how do we know when we should surrender and when we should take hold of the reigns? 

I've realized that while I am currently in a position of great sadness and disappointment, I do not think I should be trying to change anything. Specifically, I do not think I should be fighting for Mauricio. Even though I truly believe we were meant to be together, and I still can't imagine my life without him and that he is my soul mate, I cannot live a life without passion. And because he is not fighting for me, he hasn't given me any reason to believe there is any potential for passion between us.

I'm trying not to sound too dramatic here. The one thing I don't like about publicly writing is that people aren't used to real emotions. When you pass someone in the hall at work and ask how they're doing, you don't really want to know how they're doing. You're just being polite. Which is fine. Lord knows we don't need to air every moment of every emotion we're feeling - after all, most of the time emotions pass so quick it's not worth it.

But because of so many layers of protection we've developed around ourselves, we've become somewhat numb to real, genuine feelings. Emotions. Reminders that we are human. And it's okay to hurt. Or to be angry. I know this by now. I know it's okay to feel like I'm feeling. I'm working really hard to stay out of depression right now. I know how easy it is to allow that to engulf me. I've been there. But I'm not there now. I'm simply riding a wave which goes up and down, but I work hard to stay afloat, and I am. 

That's all the energy I have tonight. I would just ask, Universe, if you could please give me something. Anything to help me get through this a little easier. A life jacket, perhaps. Or maybe some of those arm floaties that I wore when I was a kid. Or even one of those long stringy floating things - what are they called? Noodles? I guess I haven't been swimming in awhile. Maybe that's why it's so hard now. 

I love this world and I deeply appreciate everything in it - even experiences like these. I trust You. 

Love,

Genevieve