Day 42: Feeling the Slump

Yesterday was the second day since the first of this year that I missed writing. I do feel bad about that because upholding my goal is important to me. While I never like passing my mistakes off with excuses, I'm going to talk a little about yesterday anyway. It is my blog. : )

Quick summary - the weekend was okay. Sunday was rough. Mauricio and I talked about getting the three girls together and offering a chance to find some closure. Although this was mostly for me. I haven't seen them in what feels like forever. 

So they came over to pick us up and the plan was to see a movie and go to dinner. They came in through the front door and Scarlet, as predicted, ran full speed and soared into my arms. She had me in a complete embrace, tightly wrapping her little body around me in a well-known, and much missed, bear hug. Which lasted for a good minute or two. I had tears in my eyes. 

Anyway, we did the best we could to be emotionally mature and, in the words of Mauricio, responsible and sophisticated. We took the girls out to a movie, then went to dinner. It felt so strange. Like we appeared to be a family, but I almost felt obligated to tell all the strangers around us that we were taking our kids out to let them know we broke up. 

At dinner we presented this to them. They asked a couple questions but for the most part, seemed to be fairly immune to any sort of emotional damage. Which made me feel good. I'm really not sure what's going on in each of their little heads, but at least they're behavior was a good indicator that they were resilient, as I had hoped. 

When me and Cambria got home, it was another story. She completely lost it. Basically she started having a panic attack which was magnified even more because of her added layer of drama. She went through a full cycle of an emotional roller coaster and ended the night as a complete brat. I love this child, but boy, was she a brat last night. I know she was just acting out. I know she was emotionally scarred. I know she had strong and intense feelings that overwhelmed her. But nothing in my mind gives anyone the right to act like a jerk. And my 8 year old daughter is no exception. She needs to learn this along with everyone else. 

So I went from "patient, loving, understanding" mom to "nice try, think again" mom to "okay that's it, you want mean mom, I'll give you mean mom" mom. It was a nice challenge from the Universe. 

As the time continued on its expected journey onward, Cambria finally fell asleep and I left my post outside her door. How exhausted I was. How I longed for a partner who could relieve me of my duty. How afraid I was that I no longer had the energy to be a single mom. And how proud I was that I kept my composure (for the most part) and successfully outlasted my beautiful, yet stubborn little girl. 

I'm literally thinking of every possible thing I can to throw at her. Okay, not literally "throw" but literally "thinking of every possible thing I can". Just wanted to make that important clarification because Lord knows I was close to the former last night. But I truly am pushing myself to think creatively about all the positive things - all the techniques I can imagine, that have a chance of helping this little girl. 

That's the thing about her. It's the number one reason I chose to raise her myself. She is so special, so unique, that not many people can understand her. Or connect with her. It's what was so hard for Mauricio. While he tried, he just couldn't "get" her. 

Recently when I've shared my struggles and what I've done to handle them, I've received some incredibly sweet and empowering feedback. People tell me how great of a mom I am. Which truly means the world to me. But I feel uncomfortable accepting those compliments without my own disclaimer. 

I'm not some incredible mom. Or incredible human being. And believe me - I'm not saying this as a way to  compel others to convince me of how great I really am. I truly, from the depths of my soul, believe anyone is capable of great things. Everything I've accomplished is open to anyone else accomplishing as well. While I do feel proud of myself, I know I'm not unique in this capability. The difference, I think, between what I've been able to do and what others feel they can't do, is that I simply believe - and then I act on it. And don't get me wrong - I don't always believe and I don't always act. Even believing takes a lot of work, and acting is even harder. But if you can figure out a way to believe in yourself and believe in being capable of more than you think, you'll find yourself accomplishing great things that you never expected.

That's my soap box for today.