Day 49: To Clean or Not to Clean...

I've battled over this dilemma for the last few weeks. I know I need to clean and organize my house, but I really don't want to. Not because I'm lazy. Because I'm hurt and I'm trying to take care of myself. That takes a lot of energy and frankly I don't give a damn about cleaning right now.

I've realized that one of the most important things whenever you're going through hard times is to keep a balance between allowing yourself to feel the pain (sleeping in, eating comfort food, watching movies) and taking care of business (showing up at work, kids' school activities, doing laundry, paying bills).

I've seen both extremes and neither is healthy no matter if you're doing well or struggling. In fact, both extremes will inevitably make things worse for yourself. 

It's funny because as I think about the situation Mauricio and I are both in at the moment, it seems like the opposite of what each of us really needs. He's surrounded by family and friends - who can and are most definitely offering him plenty of support. But the whole reason he ended things was because he felt he needed to isolate himself to really work through his inner issues and find out how to be responsible on his own. Face himself, by himself. At least that's how I've interpreted what he's told me.

For me, I've already gone through this. I've felt the loneliness and the pain and I've gone through the intense self-growth that comes with being alone and solely responsible for yourself - plus one. What I would love to have right now is someone who could take care of me. I've never really experienced that. The overbearing parent or grandparent who lives with you and cooks, cleans and takes your kid to the park. Or the rich friend who takes you on a shopping spree to pick out a new wardrobe...okay I realize not many have that. : ). How about a friend who goes to a movie or has a ladies night out on the town. Or brings over dinner and wine. 

This isn't of course a bash on my current family or friends. It's just an honest exploration into my deepest wishes for a perfect world....for me. Which in all honesty, I don't really want anyway. I do, and I don't. I don't really like being spoiled or taken care of or victimized. I like feeling strong and independent. And I know that without my obstacles and circumstances I wouldn't be who I am today - and I like who I am. 

I guess it goes back to the balance. I know all I have to do is reach out and ask for help. But it's so hard for me to do that. It's like I've lived my whole life in the other extreme that even when I want help or need help, it's so hard for me ask or accept it. It's like breaking a bad habit. Or learning a new language. Or remembering how to be single again.

I'm learning that everything is a process. No matter how immediate I'd like things to be, everything takes time. And many times it's because I'm not ready for something yet. 

Well, my house isn't spotless, but I did make a lot of progress today. The best part was that I allowed time to seclude myself to start the healing process. And as soon as I felt capable of working on my house, I did. 

That's a good sign.