Day 48: Life is Such a Damn Rollercoaster

All throughout today I was thinking about what I'd write about. Now that I'm finally writing, I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to use this as a way to just say the same things over and over again...which might become depressing. I also don't want other people to feel sorry for me. I don't know. Maybe that's my first problem - I'm thinking too much about what others would think. That's not really like me. 

Nonetheless, I've felt as though this invisible (and sometimes visible) audience of readers deserve to be enlightened or inspired or moved in some way and if I'm going to take on this responsibility of a blog - especially one titled "Think Act Change" I should strive to accomplish that. 

I'm such an impatient person. I've gotten better over the years, but it's still one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to be able to move on with my life. I know what I need to do but it's so different from what I feel like doing. Which is, quite frankly, not much. I go through these comical mood swings now (I'm not claiming this is new). I'll be fine - working hard at my job, taking my kid to her school carnival, doing the dishes...finally. Then before I get too comfortable, I fall so quickly back into the realization that I am so incredibly disappointed that my life has involuntarily shifted so significantly all at once. I start feeling sad, then angry, then annoyed, then hopeless, then...tired. 

I also have found that I'm more clumsy lately. Tonight within the span of about an hour, I managed to knock over an open container of cat food which flew across the floor, spill water out of the pot on the stove, and drop pasta on the floor as I opened the bag. Not only that, but my body seems to be breaking down on me. We were shopping for a birthday present today and I couldn't help but limp all of a sudden. My knee felt like it was out of place. Just now, I shifted my weight and part of my leg sprung into pain. At the same moment, my foot crinkled into a charlie horse. That sort of thing.

I guess it doesn't really get to me too much. But it's a little annoying...and inconvenient. I feel like I'm slowly losing my composure in this reality. 

Anyway... I guess the mix of good and bad will always be there. The ups and downs too. It's just my down time. I sure do miss those first few months of "honeymoon phase" when Mauricio and I started dating. It was incredible how happy we were. And while we had our moments of struggle and challenges, I can't look back and think of any point where I felt our relationship was slipping away (until the very end, of course). Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to move on. I wish sometimes he would have just done something awful so I could be mad at him and happy to no longer be with him. Then I remember how he ended it and I feel like I wasn't worth it for him anymore. At least not the big picture kind of worth it. And I find my madness - mixed in with pain. 

I promise though, I will keep writing in this blog until I find my way back up. It's so crucial for others to know that no matter how much life can suck sometimes, those times can't last. It's gets better. It's because I know this, that I just keep going through each day. Sort of tolerating. Sort of waiting. Seeing glimpses of hope here and there. Just keep going.