Day 22: Starting Over

I've found myself at a place that feels very much like the beginning again, and I have to say, I wasn't really expecting it. I'm starting the grieving period - I'm going back and forth between being incredibly sad and heart broken, to denial. I've always seen Mauricio as my soul mate. So I guess I never really believed that it would end between us. In fact, I'm still caught in this feeling of painful, desperate hope. I'm having a really hard time accepting that it's really over. I keep catching myself wondering if he'll walk through our door and sweep me up in his arms and tell me he can't live without me. And that I'm worth the risk to him. 

I know what he's thinking though. He's afraid of hurting me more down the road. It's hard enough for him to feel like he's hurting me now...when he promised he never would. But the idea that he could jump back in and work through his issues with me scares him even more, because he's worried that he won't be able to work through his issues. That deep down inside his "issues" will always be there and even though he might make progress on the surface, he's afraid that if he doesn't listen to his needs right now (which are moving into his own place by himself), then inevitably they'll come up again and next time will be much worse. 

I get it. I really do. And I hope he gets me. I hope he understands that no matter how much I want to be with him, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself I could put my life on hold and wait for him to get better, it's just not fair. Neither of us have any idea how long this is going to take. And for him to move out now - after we've intertwined our lives so closely over the last four years, and with three kids between both of us - it's just too significant of an event to recover from.

But I wish that something would just hit him. Initially I meant "hit" as in spiritually or metaphysically, but now that I think about it I suppose getting physically hit in the head might also jug his brain good enough for him to "wake up". I wish something would happen to give him a sliver of enlightenment. In my favor of course. I just feel like us breaking up is so wrong. But there's nothing I can do about it. And I have to accept it. The only thing I can do at this point is tell myself what I always tell myself - everything happens for a reason. I just hope the Universe doesn't make me wait too long to figure this one out.

One of the new fears I had today was that I'm past my prime. That it's going to be a lot harder for me to find someone else. I know that may seem funny, since I'm only 27. But don't forget - I have an 8 year old. Aside from the fact that I have a kid anyway, it's much easier for someone to come into a family when the kid is little - they're cute, their loveable, they still have time for you to help "form them". But Cambria is older now. Our package just seems a little less appealing I guess. 

I just can't believe that a month ago I was excited about getting married, having a baby and buying a bigger house with my family. And now I'm starting over at square one. Just me and Cambria. Table for 5...I mean 2.