Day 29: Wondering What Could Have Been
Have you ever thought about what your life would be like had you made different choices? Sure, it might be slightly different with a few changes in your minor choices, but what about those big game changers.
I was thinking back to before I became pregnant. I guess I've always regarded that time of my life as the "dark period" where I went a little crazy. The only path I saw myself going down (if I hadn't had Cambria) was complete and utter chaos and ultimately disaster. And I mean really ... like the non-living kind of disaster.
But for whatever reason, tonight I remembered who I was without the huge cloud of depression and despair. I was totally funky. I've finally found a warm fondness for who I was back then and I do believe that I still had a chance at survival. I mean, our decisions do impact our lives tremendously - but are they really completely representative of who we are? I know I've heard that our choices define us. But I don't believe our self-definition stops there. Think of all those rotten choices we've made. Do we really feel so low about ourselves to assume that our worse choices (mistakes, dare I say) really adequately define us? Represent us? Show the world who we are? I don't think so. I think we'll always have choices. And honestly, I don't know that there is a "right" or "wrong" choice. I think some choices lead to harder paths. And challenging consequences. But we'll always have more choices. And if one choice leads to a reality that doesn't suit us, we're always going to be free to make a different choice. Always. Until we die.
Anyway... I like to think that the good parts of my personality before I had Cambria are still within me. I can still be groovy. Becoming a mom didn't take my grooviness away. It's just that for a time, I felt that I needed to "rise above" that as if it was a teenage phase and I had to be an adult. I felt like I needed to prove myself - and in this time of my life, proving myself as a legitimate and good mother was top priority.
But now that I'm fairly confident I'm a decent mother, and I can safely say I'm an adult, I think it's fine time for me to reinvent myself for who I am without any of the "extras." For example, strip away all my titles - mother, girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, employee, role-model, co-worker, voter, etc. What's left? Who am I without everything external that helps define me?
That's one of my biggest revelations with becoming single again. I became so used to being defined by the people closest to me, that I don't quite know who I am now that suddenly they're gone. Initially I reverted back to "single mom" but that's not the whole picture.
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