Day 23: Waiting
Yesterday was the first day I failed to write my blog post since New Years. I know the timing was a little ironic since the last post explained that Mauricio and I ended things. I guess I could use that as an excuse. I was incredibly exhausted yesterday. Trying to contain my emotions around Cambria is one thing. Trying to hide my raw feelings at the office is another. So many things are unexpected triggers. I was on the eliptical in our building's fitness center, subtly crying, because I saw a Latino man walk into one of the classes. Somehow he reminded me of Mauricio's Dad, although he didn't really look like him. I guess there aren't many Latino's who work out in our fitness center.
Plus it's just strange talking to people about my situation. I don't want to act like a drama queen, or a victim and frankly I'm not a fan of that kind of attention. But I have been living my life for the past four years expecting to be with this man for many, many years to come. I had no idea it would end like this - and so quickly. Seemingly without a fight. It kind of pisses me off actually. But in a way, it's good that it's making me mad. Anger is a powerful emotion, while sadness feels very weak and helpless. I'm mad that Mauricio let me down. I thought he loved me enough to fight for me, for us. On the other hand, I guess it's good that we ended it now, rather than in a few years when I expected to be married, pregnant and co-owning a house with him.
Anyway...it's been hard to talk to people about what's going on. I know it's awkward for them, and it's a little weird for me. There's really not a lot people can say to make you feel better. Everyone is just doing their best. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't like that negative energy. I feel bad enough as it is, I don't want others to feel bad too.
So I know the only thing I really can do is wait. I've learned that from experience. You just let the real emotions run their course. Every day it gets a little easier. Plus I bought some treats at the store so that makes me feel better too. German Chocolate cake with a bottle of Merlot, watching 50/50 while my cat snuggles with me is just fine. I took a couple breaks to jump on my exercise trampoline that Mauricio got for "the girls" (really it was for me) for Christmas.
One of the biggest influences of this concept of waiting and that emotions, as strong as they feel, are simply neurotransmitters firing back and forth in your brain, came in large part from the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? Great movie - if you haven't seen it, rent it. Somehow the scientific understanding of what is happening inside of me chemically is comforting. The power of thoughts is huge too. That's why even if you're feeling down, if you "fake" feeling happy, eventually your brain won't know the difference and you'll end up truly being happy. It's the coolest trick ever.
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