Love can be a shitty thing

It's January 1, 2012. So far I'm not too happy with this year. I have no idea what's in store for me. I think my boyfriend of 4 years and I are breaking up, but I'm not quite sure. All I know is I don't want to lose him. I'm pretty sure he's my soulmate. And I'm pretty sure he knows that. But love can be a complicated thing. So can life.

I'm not here to complain. And my plan is to not write a lot. It is, after all, 10:30 and I'm literally sitting in the middle of my room, crying, listing to the Beirut station on Pandora (which is amazing) and trying to reorganize my room. I've moved my California King Size bed (needed an upgrade when I inherited 3 extra lives into my family) to the center of my room, which is barely bigger than my bed. And I'm attempting to move all the other pieces of furniture (enough for two adults) around it. It's kind of like those Rubiks cubes. But I'm so out of it at this point I had to Google that to remember what the hell it was called. Yes, I'm at a pretty lame point and it's only the first day of the new year.

So since I've been here before - much lower in fact - I'm smart enough to know everything will be okay. I know I'll be stronger once I get through this, no matter what happens. I know everything happens for a reason. I know it could be much, much worse. I know I just have to sort of wait it out. With time, everything can get better. I pretty much know everything the best, most experienced friend could tell me to make me feel better. But maybe because of that, nothing can make me feel better. It just totally sucks right now. It feels really, really, really bad. 

At least he could have cheated on me, or been a complete asshole so I'd feel like I deserved better and could hurry up and move on. But it's not like that at all. He's perfect for me. The problem is, he doesn't know his value. I've been through Hell and back and in the process I found myself. I knew my worth. And I knew what I wanted. He's never had an opportunity for self-discovery. He's never lived alone. And he has grown up with a strong ideology that expects men to be strong, confident, reliable, stable, self-efficient and...late. Well, he is Bolivian. 

He and I have so many things in common it's crazy. We both grew up without learning the essential skills on how to handle life's many challenges. He learned to bottle everything up, not talk about it and pretend like it will go away on its own. Instead of acting like a screen door and letting problems pass through him, he held on to them and didn't know how to let go. It would just tear him up silently on the inside. I learned to do the same, but then to take it a step further into crazy-ville. Everything would build up and then explode. This resulted in inflicting real self-pain. My internal pain was so strong and unmanageable that I needed to force some kind of realness to it so I could understand it and process it. Of course this is also a horrible way to deal with problems.

When I got pregnant I had a serious crisis on my hands. I didn't have time to even consider the options - I just had to act. Because of this, I was able to act from a place deep inside me and possibly higher - my higher self. It's like a knee-jerk reaction that shows who you really are - no cover ups. After some serious work that took a long time and a hell of a lot of energy, I finally figured out who I was and how great of a person I am. It really helped me to see the good in myself - and in others. 

So even though I know Mauricio better than I think he knows himself right now, and I know how amazing he is, and I know his potential and I'm completely willing to be by his side no matter what he needs to go through, I have to let go. I have to let go so he can find himself. No one can do that for him. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. It hurts so bad. But at the same time, I'm so hopeful for him. I want him to be happy and although I'm incredibly selfish right now, I have to step aside and let him do his thing. 

Okay...here's the point. I'm in a horrible place to truly think of good resolutions. All I can think of is that I need to write more frequently - I need to express myself. So the best I can do is make a goal that I will write something - publicly - every day. I'm going to start with 3 months and then go from there. I have the worst will power in the world, so I have no idea if this will work but I'm going to give it everything I have and see what happens. I don't care if anyone reads my blog or not, but it's empowering to put myself out there and really challenge myself to say whatever I need to say. Plus I look at this as a kind of experiment. Let's really test me, especially since I just went on and on about how much I "know myself". I'm hoping all the years of pain and suffering have really built me up to be tough and take this on.

Here it goes. I'm going to finish my room now. Maybe cry a little more if a song comes on that triggers it. On second though ... I'm a little tired.

Happy 2012.