Day 5: The First Emotional Breakdown of my 8 Year Old
Life can be rough. Seriously. My heart broke as I watched my young offspring have a meltdown while telling me about her friend drama. Ahhh...the stage has arrived. I've been preparing for this. I know how hard it can be as a little girl growing up. It can totally suck. Girls can be mean! And I remember that 3rd grade was exactly the first year that I began experiencing the mean girl phenomenon.
So here we are. 3rd grade. Poor Cambria. I was so proud of her though - she finally stood up for herself and told her friend how she felt. Of course it started with Cambria not wanting to trade Legos with her friend and from there went quickly into Cambria telling her friend that her mom (me) had listened to all the problems they were having and suggested that they may not be a good match for best friends. And of course the friend heard that as "What! Your mom doesn't think I'm a good friend?!" Great.
There were a few things that I was ready to jump on as was my duty as a parent. A few minor corrections in the way my daughter was thinking. Just simple learnings for the future. But I didn't get my chance of a glorious parenting spotlight. Cambria was literally losing it as she went on with the story. She would regain her composure only to lose it again moments later.
Finally, she reached a point where she was irreconcilable. She accused me of being on her friend's side. She was acting like what I'd assume to see on Desperate Housewives when a naive husband doesn't "get" how his wife's friend stabbed her in the back by stealing the school Christmas program. I felt like I needed to shake my daughter and yell at her that I loved her and of course I was on her side but she needed to get it together! But I knew that wouldn't help.
Soon, I myself lost it and did the worst thing any parent could easily, mistakenly do. I started laughing. Oh man I am a terrible mom. My moment of glory came crashing down and I felt awful. But the poor kid was absolutely hilarious. I was trying to console her and offer her ways to feel better and she was yelling at me with nonsense like "I'm not feeling any emotions!!" As tears rolled down her cheeks. And one minute she'd say "this has nothing to do with my friend" and the very next she'd scream "this is all my friend's fault - if it weren't for her I wouldn't be going through this!!" It was completely unknown territory for me when it came to dealing with her. So grown up. So irrational. So ... me.
Once I collected myself, I took her big whiteboard and announced that I would write down a list of ways she could deal with these extreme emotions. Then I would allow her to write down any ideas she had. Then she needed to think about it and pick one or more. Why was this so important? Because if we can't deal with our emotions and let them go, then our heart will be hurting for a long, long time. And it will make it very difficult for us to be happy in life. I loved her. I was on her side. And I refuse to allow her to bottle things up like I did.
She wasn't as thrilled with the idea as I was. She kept trying to get me to listen to more of her rants without breathing or hugging or doing anything to calm down first. So I denied her (although "talking to mommy once calmed down" was a choice on the list). I told her I'd leave her alone and when she was ready she could come let me know her decision.
This worked great. She quickly calmed down once I left. Except when she came in, this is what the whiteboard read:
For now, I'll let this one go. But I did tell her that it's much easier to deal with problems soon because the longer you wait, the harder it is to fix. I know she'll learn this on her own. But how I wish I could force her to learn it - and master it - now. How much easier life would be for her. Then again...my life has been a fun challenge and I'm happy to be who and where I am today.
So here we are. 3rd grade. Poor Cambria. I was so proud of her though - she finally stood up for herself and told her friend how she felt. Of course it started with Cambria not wanting to trade Legos with her friend and from there went quickly into Cambria telling her friend that her mom (me) had listened to all the problems they were having and suggested that they may not be a good match for best friends. And of course the friend heard that as "What! Your mom doesn't think I'm a good friend?!" Great.
There were a few things that I was ready to jump on as was my duty as a parent. A few minor corrections in the way my daughter was thinking. Just simple learnings for the future. But I didn't get my chance of a glorious parenting spotlight. Cambria was literally losing it as she went on with the story. She would regain her composure only to lose it again moments later.
Finally, she reached a point where she was irreconcilable. She accused me of being on her friend's side. She was acting like what I'd assume to see on Desperate Housewives when a naive husband doesn't "get" how his wife's friend stabbed her in the back by stealing the school Christmas program. I felt like I needed to shake my daughter and yell at her that I loved her and of course I was on her side but she needed to get it together! But I knew that wouldn't help.
Soon, I myself lost it and did the worst thing any parent could easily, mistakenly do. I started laughing. Oh man I am a terrible mom. My moment of glory came crashing down and I felt awful. But the poor kid was absolutely hilarious. I was trying to console her and offer her ways to feel better and she was yelling at me with nonsense like "I'm not feeling any emotions!!" As tears rolled down her cheeks. And one minute she'd say "this has nothing to do with my friend" and the very next she'd scream "this is all my friend's fault - if it weren't for her I wouldn't be going through this!!" It was completely unknown territory for me when it came to dealing with her. So grown up. So irrational. So ... me.
Once I collected myself, I took her big whiteboard and announced that I would write down a list of ways she could deal with these extreme emotions. Then I would allow her to write down any ideas she had. Then she needed to think about it and pick one or more. Why was this so important? Because if we can't deal with our emotions and let them go, then our heart will be hurting for a long, long time. And it will make it very difficult for us to be happy in life. I loved her. I was on her side. And I refuse to allow her to bottle things up like I did.
She wasn't as thrilled with the idea as I was. She kept trying to get me to listen to more of her rants without breathing or hugging or doing anything to calm down first. So I denied her (although "talking to mommy once calmed down" was a choice on the list). I told her I'd leave her alone and when she was ready she could come let me know her decision.
This worked great. She quickly calmed down once I left. Except when she came in, this is what the whiteboard read:
In case you have a hard time reading that, she basically says that she doesn't want me to be mad at her, but she's kind of mad at me because the lunch lady said she had no money in her account (even though she brought her lunch today) and she thinks I might be lying to her. Then asks if we can make hot chocolate and watch a movie. She apologizes for yelling at me but doesn't remember our conversation so I shouldn't ask her about it. She loves me and wants me to write back.
Well, I write back and address all of her concerns. And then I write, "P.S. It's very important that you know how to deal with your emotions. I'm not happy that you erased my list without following the directions. You need to listen to what I say or you'll get consequences! I love you and want you to be happy. Take care of your heart, your mind and your soul. They make up you and you are important to me. Love, Mommy"
Oh man! That sounds rough! Poor thing! (both of you) Jennie, you are such an amazing mother, and I hope to be as patient with my children when the time comes! ;-) I sure am enjoying your blog!
ReplyDelete